I've been thinking and praying quite a bit today, and just felt like writing out some thoughts and feelings I've been having. Maybe then they'll seem to make sense. Then again, perhaps not. ;)
Last night my sister and I were having a casual conversation. You know, one of those where its friendly, but not really...deep. We had talked a little about school, about the coming summer and her classes, and a little about her boyfriend. Through the course of us discussing her relationship and the struggles she and her friend face due to struggles my sister is still dealing with, faith was brought up. She had said how she and this young man had differing views on faith and when I implored as to those differences, she simply said that he believed in a god, but didn't know much more than that. When I asked her how she felt about God, and really, did
she believe in him, she said that she didn't understand him and was so angry with him. This statement spurred me on to have her expand on what she meant. I had a feeling I knew some of what she was talking about, but wanted her to expand in her own words and through her own feelings. She said she couldn't understand how a loving and merciful God could allow what had happened to us, that he should've stopped it all. She felt as though he blew off her affection for him through that, and that he must hate her.
At this point, I quickly let her know that God did NOT hate her. In fact, he loves her more than anyone else ever could. I also let her know that it was ok to be angry where she's at, that our God is big enough to take on all the anger and frustration she could ever muster up. We discussed how God did NOT delight in what had happened, that it broke his heart and angered him as well. We went through several different scriptures discussing God's sadness and anger at his creation doing things he did not want and went a little into how God gives us free will in this world to do great good...and unfortunately, to do great evil. I told her that our God loves us so much that he's willing to step back and allow us to freely choose him...and to risk watching us freely walk away. He desires a relationship with us, he pursues us, and desires to be pursued. I let her know that our God loves an honest question, especially when it spurs us to probe deeper into our relationship and love with him. She mentioned how it seemed there were so many people in OT that questioned God's workings, but then we went over how God still provided and proved himself, even though being God he never has to. He does continually for our benefit, and ours alone.
All of this transpired in maybe forty-five minutes of communication and we ended with her saying she appreciated me talking with her. I'm so strongly praying this will be the first of many discussions we'll have about God. In talking with Brandon last night and this morning about this, he reminded me how neat it must be to be in the position he was in with me when I started to question who God was and what he wanted to do with me. I was reminded how wonderful it is when you get to discuss God and his desires for us, his relationship for us, and the sacrifices he makes to be with us. Talking with her moves me to go over different parts of the Bible I haven't (sadly) looked at in awhile with fresh eyes, and reminds me that God's constantly pursuing me in ways I don't always notice.
Please pray for this situation. Pray I'm able to openly and honestly take on any question my sister may have with sincerity and the words of the Spirit. Pray my sister will even ask again. I have no timeline and no expectations, but I trust in our Lord and am so joyous in seeing how he's working. I know he's big enough to handle all the critiques, criticisms, and questions that may come his way.
