**Warning: Lots of emotions were outpoured during the writing of this post, so I'm so sorry if it seems I keep focusing on negative things...I promise, I'm just sorting through and tossing out all the negative junk. :)
Ha, it's been awhile since I've blogged, but Brandon and I have been over our heads swimming in things to do. I know many have been wondering when I would be updating, and after some time to reflect on what I want to say and how I want to say it, I'm ready.
First off, we're PREGNANT! There we go...it's out there. Yes, this was completely UNexpected, and yes, we're now totally excited. We're at 6 1/2 weeks and we feel so blessed to be experiencing this incredible joy of impending parenthood. While it's incredibly scary and going to the "unknown," I fully believe God will prepare us over the course of this pregnancy. To go more in depth on this subject, for me, this pregnancy thus far has been such a roller coaster of emotions. I've gone from being elated and on top of the world to just sobbing myself to sleep. Something you have to understand, while this is a joy, it's one of those events that reminds me of what others choose to miss. It's times like these when I want to run to my mom and ask her
everything about her pregnancy with me; "Was it hard?" "Were you feeling this way?" "Isn't it the most amazing miracle??"...and I can't do that. I can't tell her that I'm even pregnant for fear of a harsh put down, as I've had in other news she's heard from us. I have to go into this pregnancy knowing there's a real likelihood that my child will not know my side of the family (aside from my one sister), and that at some point down the line, Brandon and I will have to address that in a way that is still respectful, but that lays out how life is. I have to go through this knowing my parents won't be in that waiting room come delivery time, nor will they be excited to see any sonogram pictures of what our little miracle looks like. All this...because this is what they choose. I think that's the hardest part of it all...knowing they choose to not want any part of my life, and now, my child's. It's feeling very isolated in a room full of people. It's wondering (and
fearing) "Will I turn out that way with my child?" "Am I predisposed to not want me child?" I know this is Satan just FEEDING on my heart and mind right now, and in those moments, I'm so vulnerable and fall prey so easily. It's not wanting to mention this (although here I am doing so) because I don't want to make anyone else feel awkward...and so I worry alone. But I know God's holding me, I know he's watching over me, telling me to feel secure in his love, to trust
HIS plan and
HIS love; he's never going to abandon me, he's going to be holding my hand every step through this pregnancy, and beyond. There's such a reassurance I find in God and his word. Reading through my Bible, I see how it's a story of a father and his children, and how it shows the many struggles that occur in that relationship, but how faithfulness, trust, and above all, love make that relationship grow and persevere. It's seeing God get frustrated at his children out of love, and seeing him continually coming to their rescue. It's knowing God sent us (me) something I can read and implement and that I can know will be a plan following in his ways. I pray I can teach this sweet bundle how amazing our Lord is, how a life serving him is so much more fulfilling than anything else they could dream up, that having a relationship with our Lord will get them through so much more than even their relationship with me will get them through. I'm praying they'll see Christ working in themselves, and will choose to show that love (hence Christ) to others. I'm seeing how important my job is (and is going to be)...and I'm knowing God is guiding us each day.
It's amazing to know I have such a wonderful husband who is "on the same page" as me regarding raising our children. He (as well as I) feel we need to start putting our desires into actions as soon as possible. We pray over our bundle everyday, I sing to it (and yes...I know our bundle doesn't have ears yet...;) and yes, it's usually when I'm alone! ), I talk about God with it and Brandon always talks to my stomach (it's the cutest thing!)...we do this so from the instant it
can hear us...it's hearing of God and his love. I want our child to be immersed in the word and the amazing beauty of Christ's love...how exciting it is to talk about all of this!
In other news, Brandon and I signed a contract for a house Monday! This is our first house and we are just SO excited! It's a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath house with a great yard for Huck and Annie (since their world is soon to be flipped upside-down!), and we just can't praise God enough! We've been looking since
before we got married and just can't believe God's timing in all of this. He knew. We didn't. But he showed us once again how faithful he is. So we're set to have a house inspection this Saturday and, providing all goes well, we'll close on the 31st, paint and re floor the house the next few days after that, and then move in!
Well I know this has been quite an update and if you're still reading at this point, know prayers for our sweet bundle are so appreciated! Know we think of all our friends and family while we're going through so many new transitions and can't wait to show our bundle to so many wonderful faces!